


The Story Of My Life by Steve Rogers

by Hopebetterdays



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 10:26:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/560000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopebetterdays/pseuds/Hopebetterdays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve tells the story of his life(Life as child, before he became Captain America, time with Bucky, time in nowadays, civil war and his death and life after that)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

They lift me from the car. I look at Tony for the last time and ask him to do something. However, he just sits in place, until I have been taken from the car and he gets to his feet.

He stays still talking something to the driver while the security guards carry me toward the courthouse stairs. I look behind me again, people are running around and the whole place is just chaos, and I ask myself why did this have to happen? This is so wrong. And Tony is not himself. Iron Man is not like that, not a coldhearted person who doesn’t care what happens around him.

We begin to walk up the stairs, when suddenly I hear the gun fire. One of the guards is shoot in back and I turn to see what happens. People run around and try to get away from there so I don’t notice person with the gun until she gets up behind the car and shoots again. However, I do not have time to do anything when the next three bullets hit my stomach and I collapse to the ground.

The world starts to blur as I’m lying in the courthouse steps and thinking that this is how all this will end. Can I at last get to Heaven? Almost dying so many times and losing so many friends brings wishes of that how I really would want to get away from here. Weird thoughts are invading my mind and I feel like watching my life as a movie in home at Brooklyn.

 In my life have been a lot of difficult and a lot of good things. Some things have hurt more than others and some have given more than anything like J don’t know what I would do if I never wouldn’t became Captain America.  And I have loved some places so much. Some places that I will never forget and things what have happened there with Bucky and Tony and so many other.

If you would ask me the person whom I loved most in my life, I could not answer. On the one hand it would be Bucky, who was my best friend and first love. On the other hand I could say that it was Phil Coulson, who showed me that once again I belong in the world.

And then, of course, there’s Tony, who saved my life, who found me in the ice and prevented me from ending my life. Tony, who now cries out in horror and it feels like he would wake now and come to his sentence and noticing what is happening around him when he looks around those running people and me lying in the ground. It is Tony who runs over to me. And I tell him that it is now time for me to go on. He is tries to convince me that it'll be fine, but we both know that it is no longer so.

"Tony ..."

"I am so sorry, so sorry," he mumbles and cries, I have never seen him crying. But now he's crying.

"No ... do not ..." coughing. "I love you ...”

"Steve, don’t leave me!"

I smile at him one last time and I ask him to kiss me. He carried out my request, gently press his lips on mine, I answer, and close my eyes.

***

I was always very lonely. My mother never let me out with the other boys. I was so sore that I couldn’t really do much. I just always lay in my bed.

My mother was a lot away from home, because she made a lot of long hospital shifts. She always have to deal  with lot of sickness. She was a nurse and when she got home, she had to deal with me.

I remember once when I had a bad asthma attack and I was coughing at home. I didn’t get air properly and when my mother finally came home I was lying on the kitchen floor, powerless.

"Steve! Honey, breathe calmly. All will be just fine… "She said and pulled me into her arms.

We were there probably an hour. I was lying on her lap and tried to breathe calmly as possible. My mother held me in her arms, spoke softly and stroked my hair to settle me down.

Then, when I settle for breath, she carried me to my bed and tucked me in it. I fell asleep pretty quickly, because I was always very tired after an asthma attack.

Next time I woke up mother was still sitting on the edge of the bed, she tried to hide it, but I saw that she was crying.

"Mom what's wrong?"

"Steve, honey, I promise you that one day you won’t have to suffer. One day all is well, "she said, took me in her arms and hugged tightly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

When I saw Bucky for the first time I was once again in a fight. They were boys in my class who always bullied me. One of them had just knocked me to the ground and started to kick me when Bucky intervened between me and him. He said something to my bullies and they left. I didn’t never have chance to know what he said to them, but it really didn’t even matter to me. The only thing that mattered was that that I got my best friend at that day.

He gives his hand and I take it.

“I’m Bucky,” he says while pulling me up.

“Steve. Why did you come to help me?” I ask curiously and looking out my new ally. He is looking very good with his short brown hair. I try to make my hair look little better though I’m feeling really dirty and at home I have to go take a shower anyways.

“You were bullied and I hate bullies. They just hurt other people because they are feeling bad and they think it will help something to make others feel bad too.”

“Thanks,” I say with a smile and he smiles back.

“That’s alright.”

“What grade are you in?” I ask because I haven’t seen him ever before.

“I’m at your class…” he says and looks at me when we’re heading towards the park.

“Really? Because I haven’t seen you ever before.”

“Yep, you probably haven’t because I’m new at here. I watched you today in the recesses and I thought that I could come talk to you but you seemed shun everyone else too so I didn’t come.”

I sigh.

“Yeah I’m kind of lonely and I’m afraid of speaking to people because I always end up with situation like this latest one. That’s why I shun people and am alone a lot. I have been very sick all of my life. I have asthma and I didn’t ever get play with anybody so I don’t really have friends either.”

“Now you got one and I promise that I will stand by your side. That’s what friends do, don’t they?”

I smile.

“Yeah that’s probably what they do, thanks.”

After that day my relationship with Bucky just grew. We were always together in school and in home.

Bucky had lot of other friends too though and I was sometimes little jealous of him when he spent his time with his other friends. He always invited me though, but I didn’t want to go because those others didn’t want to be with me. They intimidated me if I came with Bucky though they did it always when Bucky wasn’t around so he didn’t ever know that and I didn’t want to tell him. I always just said that I had something else to do. I just had to spend my own part of Bucky’s time as good as I could and that was what I did with every possible way.

Bucky and I went many times to swim or to the movies. We sat at my home in red painted tree swing and spoke about everything what just came into mind. We knew each other so well maybe better than we knew ourselves. At some point I noticed how much I needed Bucky. My life didn’t feel complete without him and I haven’t anything else as important in my life as him. I realized I was lonely without him when he was with his other friends. Over time I realized that I started to feel something for him more than just a friendship. He was my best friend but over time my feelings for him grew and I realized that I was falling in love with him.

***

One day with Bucky we ran behind a warehouse to get protection from the rain.

We were out in the swing and spoke of coming baseball came and I drew into my sketchbook when suddenly warm day chanced to thunderstorm and it started to rain.

Inside the warehouse, Bucky lies flat on his back on the floor. He is laughing with his full heart that lovely soft laugh of his even though he is completely wet.

I fall next to him and put my head to his chest. I love to be close him he is so warm and safe.

“That was fun,” Bucky says trying to stop from laughing, but can’t.

“Yes, it was,” I say with a smile and run my fingers around his chest drawing some pointless circles there.

He was so hot there lying under me trying stop his laughing. I don’t know how it really ended this way, but after all we have shared and done together I just fell in love with him. I’m so helplessly in love with my best friend who has his own girlfriend and all. I don’t know what I’m thinking he could never want me like that.

“Bucky… I don’t really know how I should say this… You’re so… I have already… I have feelings towards you and they aren’t just feelings for best friend… I’m in love with you…”

We stand up together or in fact Bucky pulls me to my feet. I think he doesn’t look like very startled instead he looks like he’s taking it very well so I decide to try move on little bit more and reach for his lips.

**Bucky’s PoV**

Steve presses his lips to mine and I respond. I have feelings towards him too, but I have tired to hide them because I thought he wouldn’t never love me back. And now when he is kissing me and saying that he loves me, I have a girlfriend and…

“Steve, don’t,” I say and push him farther from myself.

It hurts me to see that look in his face. He looks like he wants to leave and run away from here before he starts to cry in front of me. I try to pull him back to closer to me, but he dodges my touch and starts looking at the floor.

“I’m so sorry, Bucky… I just… I shouldn’t ever do that. I don’t know what went into me… I just…”

“Steve,” I raise his regard back to myself by lifting his chin.

There is fear and shame in his eyes and I don’t want that he feels like that. He is still my Steve and I love him anyways. I just can’t be with him even if I would want that. I have girlfriend and even I would love Steve more than Evelyn being with him would be still against the law and everything.

“We just can’t, but it doesn’t meant that I wouldn’t care about you. You’re my best friend, Steve. I just… I have girlfriend and I don’t love you like that. I care about you. I would die for you. I would do everything for you but I don’t love you. I can’t be with you.”

Liar, little white angel screams in my head, but I try to ignore it the best I can.

“I understand,” he whispers almost so quiet that I won’t hear it and nods looking again at the floor.

I don’t want to see him like that.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Are we still friends?”

“I think that I love you so much that I would die if I couldn’t have you somehow with me… so I think yes.”

I hug him and this time he don’t dodge instead he pulls me closer when I try to retreat. His tears are drying slowly into my shirt and I keep him close.

“I will love you anyways, you know,” he says and stares me with those lovely blue eyes of his.

“And I love you too, but just as friend,” I say and he smiles and puts his head back to my chests.

I love you more than you could ever guess, but unfortunately I won’t ever be able to tell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

_At that night I just lay in my bed and watched the roof. I watched the roof and thought of past week and future._

_This was what I had wanted from that time when my father died in the war. I wanted  him to be proud of me. I wanted to fight for him and because of him, but still when I heard that Bucky got in I wanted this even more. I remember that strong feeling of jealousy I had when Bucky told me that Sergeant James Barnes was involved to 107s. That jealousy was in my mind just a bit before it was buried beneath desperation and fear of wondering how I’m supposed to survive without him. What if he wouldn’t come back from there anymore? It was such a strong feeling that haven’t been so jealous of anybody not even to Evelyn when Bucky held her close._

_Then I was there. After all those thousands of abandoned applications I had a chance. I finally had a chance to get in and make my wish to fight for my country come true. After all it has become my biggest wish. I just want for America to survive from this all. I want for us to win the war._

_This is still just a chance and there is a possibility that this won’t work, but I’m not afraid because I don’t have anything to lose. There isn’t anything what I would lose if I won’t make it or at least nothing that I wouldn’t sacrifice for that I get a chance to try._

_I slept with lots of thoughts in my mind and I awakened when Agent Carter woke me up._

_“Rogers get up!” she shouted before shaking me. Upon hearing her I slowly opened my eyes._

_“Yes of course, sorry,” I mumbled with color rising up my cheeks and forced myself up from the bed._

_“It’s okay. Just get your clothes on. I will be waiting at car. You get seven minutes.”_

_“Yes ma’am.”_

_Peggy left the room laughing a little and shaking her head, but turned at the doorway to look behind and smiled to me. I smiled back when I was pulling trousers on. That was embarrassing I thought to myself. Good one again, great Steve._

_I got myself ready quickly and walked to car where Carter was already sitting in the backseat and spoke something with the driver. I opened the door and sat into car. Immediately after closing the door we left._

***

I have always imagined it would be like this, secret places and corridors, soldiers watching over them and still even in my wildest dreams I didn’t think that I would see this myself.  Every soldier doesn’t get the chance to see this. Just selected few get to know about this place, which reminds me of that fact that I’m not a normal soldier.

We stop next to railing to look down where I see Doctor Erskine and some weird thing in the middle of the room. Everybody in the room turn to look at me.

Carter begins to walk down stairs and I follow her.

Only when I have only my trousers on and am lying on the device am I overtaken by the weight of what I’m doing. I wonder if I really want to do this. I really haven’t thought of that point what if this won’t work, but now when I see Howard Stark in the room I remember that night and his little failure in the future show. I’m still little sad because of that night. It was Bucky’s last free night before he left to the army and I would want to spend that night alone with him. Best part was the walk from movie theatre to fair ground I did get even little time to talk with him. Of course I understand that Bucky wanted to spent his last night with his girlfriend, but still it hurt when I felt so outsider. That was the reason why I did get this chance and I’m proud of this even I wouldn’t ever see him again. At least I still feel his hug when I remember him.

I feel like I would explode from inside and even though I try not to shout my pained screams escape from my lips. I squeeze my eyes close and I try to tell myself that I will survive and I try to get away from the pain with shouting.

I hear when Carter shouts that mission has to stop. I don’t want that. I want to take this to the end. I want to try. I collect my powers and shout back that they can continue I can do this. I try to believe those words myself too but it’s so hard when pain grows all the time. I lost my consciousness and I think this is the end.

I wake anyways soon when device’s too bright light changes to more bearable room light.

“I made it,” I whisper when they remove me from the device and I collapse to Doctor’s and Howard’s lap.

“Yes. We made it.”

Peggy comes to me and first she just puts her hand to my chest, but notices soon what she has done and pulls her hand away. After she gives my clothes to me.

“How do you feel?” she asks like anything wouldn’t happen.

“Taller.”

“Well you look taller.”

Next things happen so fast that I don’t have time to think what is happening. I hear the gun fire, somebody pulls me aside and next thing what I see is Doctor Erskine lying in the floor and his been shot. I run to him and he just knocks my chest with his finger. He can’t say anything, but I know what he means.

Last night he visited me talking and maybe too encouraging. He told me a lot, but most important he told me that if I will made this I have to be still a good man and that’s what I’m going to do. When he left this world I decided that I have to spend my life for this country with fighting and serving this land as good as I ever can. I’m probably his career’s biggest achievement and I have to live like that.

***

I’m so bored of this. I should do something important, that’s why they made me. I would fight and help, but instead they are keeping me acting in tights. I’m pointless and I can’t help anyone. I’m still in the same point where I was before all this, or now I can do something, I can act for child as a dancing monkey.

“Steve?”

I turn to face Agent Carter and ask what she is doing here. We talk little time of my situation and of that how Doctor Erskine made me for more. I know that. I should do something, but in my orders they want to keep me here occur as dupe. When ambulance arrives and nurses start to take injured from ambulance to get medical help everything chances. Next question will chance all my life and even I would know where it will take me I would still asked it.

***

I couldn’t stay there to occur when I heard that Bucky was in trouble and captive somewhere. I didn’t have anything to make me sure that he was still alive, but I had to do something if that little voice in my heart that told me that Bucky isn’t dead would still be right.

And now I’m here fighting my way towards him and releasing other soldiers. I don’t want to even know what they do think about me when I say that I have beaten Hitler 203 times. I probably have fool’s reputation, but that doesn’t matter now. Bucky is probably still alive somewhere here and I have to find him.

They have probably noticed that I’m here when the factory starts to explore from part to part. I end up into dark corridor from where some little man is just running away. I run into that room from where man just left. There is some vague mumbling in the room and when I found source of mumbling I don’t know what I should think of. I’m so angry that they have tortured my Bucky probably demanding information from him, but still I’m so happy that he is still alive. I tug those straps which are keeping him in his place and pull him up.

He has lot of questions about what has happened to me and I let him freely ask those when we run out from the factory even though I would have so many questions too. Main thing anyways is now that we get away from here.

All of the factory’s floor is explored and we can’t get away from there. I see anyways a chance a bridge to the other side. We are just running there when I see some man. I face him middle of the bridge. Much to my astonishment he rejects my strike and I get a dent into my shield. In that moment I know who he is.

That same little man who just run away from that corridor, presses the button and the bridge starts to separate leaving me and Bucky to other side of factory and pulling Red Skull safe.

Eventually they leave and I start to think other way away from here. I see air corridor up there close the roof and we run there with Bucky.

“One at the time,” I told and Bucky leaves to exceed thin air corridor to the other side.

In the middle of his way it starts to shake and he almost overbalance down but he runs the rest of the way before corridor falls down.

“Go! Leave!” I shout to him in despair.

“No! Not without you!” I get for the answer and I know that Bucky won’t leave me, not anymore.

Despair takes place in my mind when I try to figure some way out. Then I twist railing open. Jumping is the only way. This is so desperate, but this must work or at least I can’t try anything else. I pick up speed and jump. I end up middle of the flame sea and close my eyes, but just when I think that I felt I feel Bucky’s arms around me and I open my eyes. He gives me a fast smile and I smile back.

“Okay, let’s go,” he says and let go from me when we start to run out again.

***

**Bucky’s PoV**

We sit with Steve in his tent. He just asks things from me and talks about some official things which don’t interest me at all. I’m just interested about those thoughts what I have had in my mind after that when I left to war. Now target of those thoughts is sitting in front of me looking so perfect soldier and not only because he just saved couple of hundreds soldiers but because he looks so damn hot. His blonde hair looking great, muscular upper body shine through white t-shirt. His blue eyes demands me to focus on the cases in the hand, but at the same time his perfectly smooth looking lips demands focusing on them.

“Bucky, do you listen at all?”

“Sure,” I say with a smile.

“What did I say then?”

“You talked about some Agent and Stark…”

“I spoke about them like half hour ago. I tried now got some information from you, but you just say ‘Mmhmmm’,”Steve says with a laugh and shakes his head before he continues with a bit of seriousness. “I do understand if you’re tried after all that, you have to just say and I will let you go back to sleep.”

“I’m not so tried anymore when you gave me those couple hours of time, but… You have changed so much. I have missed you all this time and thought about you. And now when you’re sitting right front of me and you’re like we wouldn’t be separated at all and keep talking just about war things. Haven’t you missed me at all?”

Steve is little time quiet and looks his hands before starts to look at me again. He isn’t anymore that Captain America who saved me. He is again my Steve.

“Yes sure I have, I have thought more of you than I should. In middle of all of this you have been the one. It’s because of you I have kept going on. I have gotten by just because I have wanted to see you again. I have done everything just because with that maybe I would get to you. Now when you finally are there… I… I just have to think about other things because I don’t know what I would do without thinking…” Steve says and drops his head again.

“Steve listen… in that factory or prison or whatever it was, I really hadn’t anything else to do, but think. I thought of you, us, Evelyn and me. They wondered why I hung on so long. Many didn’t hang on this long at all. I cope because I wanted to get to tell you something, what I should have told you so long ago, Steve. Do you remember that when you told me… that you love me?”

Steve has looked me all this time, but now his look changes to scared.

“Shouldn’t we just forget that thing?”

“Yes we should… but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t because I lied to you at then and I want that you know the truth,” I close the room which separating us and put my hand to his cheek. I have to touch him.

His face is as beautiful as I remembered. Even though I loved his face maybe more before he became Captain America, he is still my same little Steve. His bright blue eyes shine with waiting and tension when my hand slides down from his smooth cheek to his chin.

“And the truth is that I love you Steve Rogers,” I whisper and press my lips to his.

Our kiss deepens. Steve moves his hands to my neck and plays with my hair. I pull him closer and move my hands along his body.

Steve sighs when we separate for a moment to gasp for air. I move in for another hungry kiss and carefully press him under me. I know that he isn’t anymore that same skinny and little weak boy, but he’s a super soldier. However, to me he will never be Captain America and I hope, that it won’t bother him. Steve just is the man who I love without his super powers or anything. I want that he is Steve and nobody else.

I pull his t-shirt off and throw it somewhere in the tent. It don’t really interest me where it ends, not now. I move my fingers in his abdomen muscles and lower my way to his pants waist. Steve moans and pulls my shirt away. He raises his waist against mine and I groan when I feel his bulge against mine.

Steve starts to unbutton my trousers with hurry and mumbles something when I take his hand away from there.

“Slowly,” I whisper into his ear before I nip his ear. “Make this last longer.”

I free his hand and Steve gives me all the space and all reins to me. He just lays under me, gazes into my eyes and moves his hands on my neck.

I take of rest of his clothes and stay watching his naked body for little while. Somehow very slender looking foot tables and toes starts slowly get stronger calves. His thighs do feel very strong too when I move my finger upper from him. His cock is already in it’s full length and completely hard. I give it little stroke and Steve moans immediately of the touch and tries to get more, but I keep up exploring my way up over his body to draw circles to his perfect abdomen muscles. I continue my journey from there to his neck and finish when I press my lips to his.

“You’re so beautiful, Steve.”

Steve smiles and let his hands glide down my body to my trousers and I let him unbutton those and pull those away.

“You’re much hotter,” he says and moves his hands over my body for his turn.

“Yeah maybe, but I’m not the one who has changed here,” I laugh.

“I will always be still that same Steve,” he whispers and pulls my body against his.

“I wished that captain won’t get angry if I keep him still as Steve.”

“He won’t,” Steve smirks.

We exchange kisses and I move my fingers in his inner thighs hearing demanding moans coming out of him.

“Do we have anything… you know… what we could use as lubricant or something?” I ask when impatience level starts to hover.

Steve gives me something from his bag.

“Closest where you can get.”

“Maybe this works,” I say and pour it to my hands.

I put my finger one at the time to him and start to prepare him. I would so want to be already inside of him but I don’t want to hurt him. Steve brings himself against my touch and his back raises when I push third finger into him. He groans, but tries to keep noise level low.

I watch him as his body twitches under my touch. He eyes reveal with lust and desire letting me know he truly believes I’m the one.

“Okay I’m ready. Bucky… I want this. I want you inside of me.” Steve says and presses his body against mine.

I can’t say no to him. I have waited this so long and I realize he has too. I adjust myself over him preparing to enter him and join us as one. Looking into his eyes, I see my own feelings mirrored before me. We are both nervous, but wanting this-needing this more than either us wants to admit. My beautiful Steve is before me offering me himself and I’m touched. I know how much this means to me and to me when I press into him. I get his back raising up and shout escape from his lips. I stop for a moment so he can get used to feeling.

**Steve PoV**

The feeling of him inside of me is almost drowning. I feel after all of that waiting, that he is still alive and he is still himself, if I didn’t believe it before, now I believe. Tear falls to me cheek but it isn’t because of that momently pain, it’s because he is life, my Bucky is life and he is here top of me waiting for my permission. I want always remember this moment and I want that picture of him like this will always be in my memories.

**Bucky PoV**

“Oh my… ynnhh; Bucky,” he groans under me and presses his waist against my touch. “Move.”

I start to move slowly raising soon speed. Steve comes against my touch. I moan his name. He is so tight around me that I’m close end already just after little time. Steve comes to between our stomachs and I can’t watch his coming done by me without coming myself too.

I fall next to him and try to capture my breath. He don’t need to thanks to his new body. Steve presses his head to my chest and plays with my fingers. He has always liked of it and it reminds me of those times when we didn’t need to do anything else but to be together. I wish that we will survive from this war and we can get chance to be like that again. But for now I’m the luckiest man in the world. I have Captain America in my bed and all of his love. I wish I can give him the love he needs too.

“Bucky?” Steve whispers quietly.

“Yes Steve?”

“What about Evelyn?”

I sigh and think for a while. This is so hard when she is home at Brooklyn and I’m here.

“Well one thing is sure. I love you more than her. Steve you mean so much to me… I wouldn’t want to be anymore without you if it’s just okay.”

He raises his head so that he can look at me.

“It’s totally okay. I love you,” he says and presses his lips against mine before put his head back to my chest to where it belongs.

*******

**Peggy Carter PoV**

I have to grant that first, when this Steve Rogers, skinniest, weakest and most disordered man who I had ever seen, came here I thought so many times how he would help us. When he told me that he hasn’t ever spoke so long to any woman that he spoke to me I started pity him. I thought all of the time too that he won’t survive from the program and in that moment when he started to shout in that machine I was really scared for him.

First time I fell in Captain America for his muscles and for that how from so skinny boy could become real man. His courage and determination make a hit to me. When he now arrivals from there in lead of that group, I do really fall for him.

He walks to me after talking to general, nurses start to take injured and friends pat others to shoulders. Anyways the man standing beside Captain takes my attention. You can see immediately from him that he is jealous. I think of why but then it comes to light, when he tells others to cheer for Captain America and his smile tells me everything but then that when Captain answers the smile gives me unfortunately  a challenge… unfortunately for them I mean.

**Steve PoV**

We are sitting with Bucky in camp’s tavern. I have again feeling of that that I’m too far away from him even though I’m sitting as near him as I can without attracting too much attention. We talk about what is coming; we don’t have much of spare time left. We have to save the world. I’m scared of losing him. Bucky has always been one of the best soldiers I have ever known but things what has happened lately have reminded me of that, that even he isn’t immortal.

Soldiers around us start to whistle and I force my eyes from Bucky’s only to face Peggy’s look.

“Agent Carter,” I nod for greeting after lifting to position.

I led my look move from her brown eyes to her red lips and to red dress.

“Captain,” Peggy says with a smile. “I just thought of you. Would you like to come for a dinner with me to celebrate your achievements?”  She continues.

“Yes I think it would be okay.”

“Good tomorrow here at 7pm,” Peggy says and presses her lips to mine before I can do or thing anything.

I try to retreat but Peggy pulls me back. I hear steps and see how Bucky is leaving.

“See you tomorrow, captain,” Peggy says and waves before leaving.

My head is totally missed up from this all but I can’t clear it now. I start to walk fast towards that door where Bucky just left.

When I get out, I have to look for while around before I recognize Bucky’s back moving further away. He is walking towards remote hut and I run after him.

“Bucky!”

He turns around to look at me and waits when I run to him. He is very angry. I haven’t seen him for a long time as angry as he is now. In his eyes is something else too but I don’t have time to think what it is before he starts to talk.

“I feel like our role in everything has changed. You attract women and anyone won’t notice me. And don’t you dare to say against me, you have fallen for that agent of yours!” Bucky says and lift his finger like he always does when he warns or blames me from something.

“No… I… I haven’t fall for her. Bucky, I do still love you!”

“What that kiss was then? What?!”

He starts to yell and I know that at this moment this won’t work at all but I try still.

“It wasn’t anything. I just…”

“’You just’ exactly!”

“I have always felt like you do feel now. This isn’t what I want. I don’t want anyone else but you, but this situation just… I have always suffered like that.”

“We weren’t together then! Maybe it would be better, if wouldn’t be now either!”

Those words do hurt me more than anything till now has.

“Bucky…”

“That night was mistake, Steve! Mistake!” Bucky yells before storming away.

I see warning flash of angry in his eyes before he leaves. I walk to my own hut, sit to my bed and press my head to my hands. Tears fall from my cheeks to my sheets.

***

After being for a while in my hut and after thinking about things, I decide to leave after him again. He would probably want to be alone but we have to talk these things out.

I open the hut’s door and I found dark little room and Bucky who is lying in his back and staring the roof.

“Bucky…”

“I did know that you had feelings for that agent. But I just thought that you would love me more,” He says and looks at me.

“I do. I don’t… I tried to pull away… I just…”

I try to tell him that he is the only one who I could ever love. Only one for who I have feelings and for who I would do everything I can. I just can’t put the words in right order.

“And always as bad in speaking in situations like this,” Bucky says with a laugh and stands up.

“I know what you mean. It just… I’m kind of jealous of you,” Bucky says and presses his leg to my crotch.

I groan even without noticing it. This is the reason why I do like of that, that I have known him for so long. He knows already from half sentence what I’m saying, he can read from my acting what I want and I know what he means.

“So if you are tomorrow hers… tonight you will have to be mine,” Bucky says and moves his lips on my neck.

“I couldn’t ever be anyone else’s, if I could be yours,” I whisper, when I can’t do more when he is touching me from those places which needs to be touched.

I gave him serious look so I can make he believe even little my words. But then I give myself to him and with moan I give him permission to do whatever he needs to. Even thought of it makes me hot.

***

They carry me to factory’s room which seems like some torture chamber. Room is almost completely dark only two little lamps give their light. One of them is in front of some rack and the lamp lights it clearly so that you can see it clearly from mirrors which cover the walls. Another of the lamps gives it light to dark suited man to who I’m carried and then they hit me to my knees. That dark suited man has blonde hair and he is littler taller than I am. Dark clothes are tight and they reveal very muscular body.

“I’m Richard Wein, one of Red Skull’s closest assistants and I have heard everything about you, Steve Rogers.”

No one from enemies who I have met till this point haven’t called me by my right name but now it’s being said so coldly and just like he would want to make me say something. I still keep myself silent and only gaze him.

“I have planned your dearest assistant’s, James Barnes, death for a long time. It was real pity that you saved him then but this time he won’t be safe if you won’t agree to little agreement. So how it is?”

I’m still quiet and just hope that somewhere else Dugan, Jones and Falsworth have got to prisons and can release soldiers. I’m relieved to her that Bucky is still alive somewhere here. They lift me up and he sticks my chin making me look at him.

“Why don’t you talk to me?”

I just gaze him defiantly but won’t open my mouth. I don’t have anything to say to him. One of man’s who is holding me takes baton and hits me hardly to stomach with it. Hit makes me gasp for breath when air drains from my lungs. They drop me back to my knees.

“Will you start to talk now? I’m getting fed up with your arrogant behavior.”

I gasp for breath little more and turn my defiant glare back to Wein.

“Why is he like that?” The man who just hit me asks.

“Because he is Steve Rogers and he really wants to get fucked! Isn’t that right?!”

“What?” I shout though I try not to.

“Well, well it made you open your mouth. Doesn’t it heard like nice?” Wein says and comes closer to me when another of guards sticks peak to my flank.

“Look,” Wein says and turns my head so that I can see peak from mirror when it empties its lilac content into me.

“It cripples your ability to move. But you feel better when I come inside of you slowly, torture, until you’re bleeding and scream from pain when you see yourself from mirror and feeling shame of it how you deceive your dear Barnes. Oh yes, he told me everything when we were torturing him or in fact after it when he screamed from pain and your name. My anger against you has always made me go hot for you,” he whispers into my ear and I waver. I just hope that someone would find me soon.

Guards moves me to the rack and they undress my clothes and are threw somewhere into the room. I feel so dirty and bare. They lift me to lie in my back to fabric and bound my feet and hands to metal chains. I close my eyes and my thoughts fly to Bucky. I wish he would be here.

**Bucky’s PoV**

We have been looking for Steve long already and when Falsworth finally blows up the door and I see Steve who is bounded to some track, I run to him. He seems so tired his eyes are closed and he complains. Dugan turns the lights to the room which just was so dark.

“Steve!” I cry when I see all of those contusions and all of that red skin, what has happened to him?

His clothes are somewhere and there he lays all naked and wounded in front of me, cries escaping momently from his lips. I kiss his forehead and iron his hair. Tears escape to my cheeks. How could they do this to my Steve?

“Barnes, what has happened over there?” Jones asks and carries Steve’s clothes to track.

“They… They have raped him…” I say and at this moment I could kill Hitler himself with bare hands.

“Calm down, Bucky. I know how you feel but now we can help Steve best with that that we get him out of here. Try to wake him up.”

I obey the command even though it is more like request than command. I shake my love little and I try to get him open his eyes.

“Steve, wake up. You have to cope.”

Slowly he opens his blue eyes which I do love so much but now they are full of pain and shame.

“Bucky?” he whispers so quietly that I don’t almost hear him.

“I’m here, Steve. Everything is fine.”

“No. No its not... I shouldn’t… I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything, Steve. They made it to you. But we have to leave now.”

Steve nods and meanwhile we talked, Falsworth released his legs and hands from chains. I help him to dress up.

“Can you walk?”

Steve stands up but overbalances. I put my hand around him to support him and Jones comes to help him to the other side. We start to walk towards the tower and that place where others are waiting for us and from where we should get out with explosives. Steve recovers little by little when his body heals the contusions and wounds and removes that paralyzing agent from his body. I decided that when we get away from here I will do everything that I can so he would feel better. Just like he done to me when he saved me and I saw him for the first time after my leaving to the war. I had so missed his touch and smell, the warmth of his body around me, his hands in my hair and that when he moans my name. Now I just want that he can remember that you can touch other lovingly too. But I don’t want to just run my own purpose and Steve can need time with all of this.

***

Factory is blowing up and we don’t have escape planning.

We should first blow up a wall but one of explosives fell to a gap and we can’t blow enough by just one explosive. We are in same looking factory for third time. They were torturing Steve, my Steve. They… They raped him. I found him in track without clothes and he shamed himself. Shamed himself so much, too much and without a reason. It wasn’t his fault. They raped my Steve, my beautiful Steve and he couldn’t even resist when they had gave him some paralyzing. Those things made his nerves stronger and at the same time pain and everything, but he couldn’t move and couldn’t get away.

Again one big jolt which wakes me from my thoughts when I fall to my knees. I get up and look Steve straight into eyes.

“Why won’t we escape from there where we usually do?”

“Good idea, Bucky!” Steve shouts and touches my hand when is going past. “Follow me! We have to go up!” Steve shouts when he is running up the stairs with steady look on ventilation tube where you can jump out of the window to next factory’s roof or he can we others have to use rope. Other leave after him and I follow too.

Its miracle how Steve’s body heals so easily. Still I saw that there is something what body can’t heal in his look. The sooner we can get to the base that faster I will get chance to talk to him and help him.

***

**Steve PoV**

Bucky hangs on train with his last powers and I try to catch his hand hopelessly. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now everything is just going around in my head the fear of losing him, the fear that I can’t help, sorrow and shock.

I try to reach for his hand but I can’t catch it. Everything happens too fast. Last thing what I see before I force my eyes closed, is Bucky’s falling body. I know that he screams but I don’t hear him. I don’t understand anything about this world anymore. I just hold on, squeeze my eyes closed and try to return in time or do whatever so this wouldn’t happen.

Sorrow fills my mind and tears are falling in my cheeks even though I don’t feel that. I can’t understand anymore anything. Screams escape one after another from my lips.

I don’t want to hold on anymore. I just want to let go. I don’t want to live in this world without him. I couldn’t do it.

Just when my fingers are letting go from trains trailing somebody catches my hand and pulls me back to the train.

I see a man in front of me, who is talking to me but I don’t recognize him even though I know that I know him. I see him open and shut his mouth and doing this again and again he is probably southing to me but I don’t hear anything.

Soon someone else sticks me and carries me to lay in couch before they leaves to the cab. I close my eyes and curl up to so small bundle that I can. Someone pulls blanket over me and that is the last thing what I can remember. I see in my eyes Bucky falling again and again and feeling when I can’t save him hurts me more and more after every fall.

***

When things around me starts to clarify I found myself from some destroyed tavern and big vodka bottle from my hand. I have already drank a lot when around me are tens of empty bottles. I still don’t feel myself drunken at all this must be those site effects of my new body.

I found big wet spot on table in front of me and to it falls all the time little water drops. I wonder from where they are falling before I see that I cause them myself. I raise the bottle again to my lips and drink big gulp. Alcohol gives comforting, burning feeling to my lungs but it doesn’t help me to forget.

I dreamed always how after the war we would get to live together somewhere with Bucky. He wouldn’t have to fight anymore and we could live like days back then. I would cook food to us when he is just hopeless with cooking and he would be working. Those dreams changed already when I became Captain America but now we can’t make those dreams came true at all. I lost my best friend, I lost love of my life, I lost my Bucky. And I don’t have even a hunch how I can live in this world. What should I do now with my life?

I hear foot steps behind me and I notice Peggy’s join to my company. I didn’t ever make to eat with her but I think it won’t matter so much. Could I now continue my life with her? Probably not I don’t feel for her anything like I felt for Bucky though I don’t think that I will ever feel like that again against anyone else.

“Doctor Erskine said that this could have some site effects and now I can’t get drunk, I can’t forget,” I say and my voice heard like crying whisper.

Peggy is little time quiet and just looks at me. Then she pulls a chair for herself too and sits next to the table.

“Did you respect the skills of your friend? Did you believe in him?”

I look Peggy. She wouldn’t ever understand. She thinks that I’m in love with her but that isn’t true.

“I loved him,” I whisper quietly. So quietly that I believe she didn’t hear anything.

I really loved him. I had loved him from 18 old. I told that to him just little before he left for the war and I hoped that he would feel the same way too. Apparently he did but couldn’t tell it yet. I hoped that he would spent his last spare night with me but he preferred the company of his girlfriend. Of course I can’t blame him for that but still I felt bad.

At that day when Peggy told me about 107th company I left for rescue Bucky, person that I loved in this world most. I couldn’t know at any point that he would still be alive but that little voice in my heart told me that he wouldn’t be dead. I saved him and many other soldier and we left towards the base.

He told me in the way to the base that he had thought of things and he wanted to tell me that he loved me, And I trusted myself into his arms and he made love to me softly like I would still be that same Steve Rogers who was his best friend and who he loved. Bucky was the person who kept me in the ground. He was that who kept me as myself just because he never treated me like others did.

I wouldn’t ever forget this day. The day that took everything from me but either I would forget him. He was the love of my life and I hope that I told that I love him as many times he needed to hear it.

***

I can’t fly with my plane anymore. It has been wizard to export Hydra’s weapons to USA’s biggest cities. And if it success there isn’t USA soon. I have to make emergency landing to somewhere. Peggy tries hard to stop me from doing it but I don’t have any other choices.

“Can’t you just fly with it little more we will find you safety place for landing?” she ask with vibrating voice and I know that she is scared.

“Peggy, this is my choice,” I say and try to comfort her.

I take my compass and put it to in front of me to control panel. That picture was taking of Bucky before he left for the war, when he had hope of better tomorrow and he believed in it. Maybe soon I will get to him.

I land the plane to the water and gasp for breath little time when the cold water touch my foot and in moment my lungs too. I close my eyes and just think of that how I want to see my Bucky.

**Peggy Carter PoV**

“Steve?”

“Steve?”

I can’t stop repeating his name and can’t stop anymore escaping tears of mine. I fell for him for real. I noticed that I could give everything to him so I could get him. I knew that I would always be the second choice but it would be enough for me because I really loved him. Those promises of those dance and that kiss truly showed me that Steve felt something for me too though I never get so close to him that I would want to. But for those things that he felt for me and I felt for him had never destiny to happen. He was love of my youthful love who I wouldn’t never forget and would happen whatever I would still love him. Always.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I follow white tunnel and think of where I am. I don’t remember much of what happened only that cold water and Peggy’s scream and I know that I died. I end up to beautiful beach. Waves hits slowly shore and sky is oddly blue and the light is too somehow weird, everything is so white still after the tunnel. When I turn around to look back I can’t see the tunnel anymore anywhere. I don’t have much time to think of its disappearance when I see person in beach who I have had only one year time to miss but I still have missed him more than anyone else.

I think Bucky knows somehow that I’m here when he turns to look at me with smile. I run to him meanwhile he gets up and starts to run towards me. I thread my hands immediately to his hair and emotions rise. He cups my face in his hands and smiles.

“My Steve,” he whispers happily and dries my tear with his thumb which has escaped to my cheek.

“I have missed you so much, Bucky. So damn much…”

“I know, I know. So have I.”

“I’m so sorry… I can’t understand how I couldn’t save you back then. It was my fault. You have saved me so many times and once when it is my turn… I can’t do anything…”

“It was because it was my time to leave, Steve. Everything is alright now when I have you with me again.”

“No it isn’t, you died because of me.”

Bucky raises my chin so he can look into my eyes.”

“It wasn’t your fault. I love you so much, Steve. Too much,” he says and kisses me.

The beach where we end up and quickly as then when I came here isn’t similar at all. When that beach was beautiful and warm when sun lighted up white sand, this is stormy and dark small foreland. Suddenly I fix up that they are going to take me back to that world. No, they can’t. I don’t want to leave form here. Not anymore. Thoughts spin around in my head and I try to fight against that power which pulls me away from here. Rain whips my face and my clothes. Bucky stands close to me and keeps me in tight embrace.

“I don’t want to leave…. I don’t want to live without you… I can’t…” I mumble against his shirt.

Bucky gives me dominative but still sad look.

“Neither would I lose you again but they need you still. Your journey in that world isn’t over yet. You will understand that someday,” he answers with clam voice though I can here sadness from it and I wonder when he has become so rational.

“I wait for you here,” Bucky promises and kisses me just once again and I put my eyes closed and make sure that his picture remains in my mind before big dark wave takes me with it.

I end up in unknowing space with the wave till I start little by little see light again. Voices start to clear around me. I heard soft, throaty laugh which makes me feel safe.

I focus on listening that laugh until it evaporates away and soon is covered by much more scholar hearing voice which isn’t so throaty at all. Voice explains something with hurry making again new laugh wave.

“This isn’t funny, Thor.”

“Oh yes, my friend, it is.”

Then this worlds starts to pull me quickly into its reality. My muscles pull me to sit and I have to catch for breath when I remember that big wave, which took me to this world. I notice that all of my memories what I get during those couple of days when I was there cleans from my mind. I look around and I see two men. Other one has blonde hair, which reach to his shoulders and weird clothes, something which remains armor and red cloak. Other one is much shorter, probably shorter than me too; he has dark combed hair and much cleaner clothes which are probably very expensive too.

“How was the beauty dreams Cap?” shorter one asks and looks me somehow challenging with his deep brown eyes.

“Mhhm daydreams?”

“Yeah you have slept like 70 years.”

What? 70 years? But it was just couple of days? Where I am and who are this people? I start to look walls around me.

“Hey Cap?” I hear Tony’s shouting and I came back to this world from my thoughts.

***

It has been already five years when I came into this world. Any one of these years hasn’t really been anything else but catastrophe, never ending wars, death and chaos. We have group named Avengers, which we are leading with Tony. We are working for SHIELD and we response from everything we are doing to Nick Fury. He is good man and good leader though sometimes I don’t just get his decision and that is the thing with Tony too.

First year was in fact just that that I tried to understand this world or in fact this era. This is still the same world. I tried to understand how it was possible that I was still alive. They told that I was somehow frozen and because of my super soldier serum my body had survived almost completely unharmed and they could save me. Howard Stark to whose son Tony revealed had immediately after my death started to look for tesseract and me. They had started to study tesseract and that was something because of what we have to suffer. I lived little of time in SHIELD’s rooms when I then left because I couldn’t live there anymore.

Second and third year I was in fact only in my apartment. I suffered of nightmares and I tried to land my memories to sports. Boxing was best thing to help. I could fight against my memories and nightmares. I was scared because of this all. Around me wasn’t anything old and safety everything had chanced and everyone that I had known had died. I went couple of times to visit with Tony his father’s grave. Tony hasn’t ever been man who would miss old times and apparently Howard wasn’t ever the best dad to have. I visited Peggy’s grave and Brooklyn but even that didn’t seem to help me. I was totally lost.

Fourth year Fury came to ask me help. Tesseract had brought here man named Loki somewhere from god’s Åsgard. We get to know that he was brother of this Thor but anyone of us hadn’t seen him for long time not even Tony. But he soon followed his brother back to Earth and he wanted to take him home. That time bring into my life whole new direction, direction that I enjoyed of, but direction because of what I was shamed too.

I get from that new group of peoples around me for whom I can keep on fighting and for whom I can do anything they need. Avengers get me back to this life and I learned to remember that I can do this, that I have meaning still be here. I’m not still saying that I wouldn’t miss yesterdays. Sometimes when it’s so very hard, I would just want to go back to that time, be around when we win the war and marry Peggy, but that wasn’t my destiny, this is.

What made me shame that then? Well I get my relationships completely missed up. I loved three men at same time. At the time when everything was still completely upside down and Loki still raged on Earth, I meet Phil Coulson. Phil was in fact that person who stopped me from doing suicide because I had really hard times with living in middle of nightmares and old memories. He had always admired me and kept me as his hero, so he said. It buttered me very much and when I thought that anyone didn’t admire anymore old heroes, he showed me, that I was wrong. It went maybe little too far. I shouldn’t let it happen but I couldn’t help it. I was in love myself too.

_“You’re so beautiful, just so beautiful.”_

_I look at Phil who is standing in front of me. Many have said that he could be in love with me and so he was._

_“Agent Coulson, this isn’t… This isn’t appropriate,” I try to keep myself in check though how much I would just touch the man who just stopped me doing suicide._

_I sat in my room and I keep knife in my hand which what I had first destroyed my drawings and at the same time gashed my hands open. I just wanted to run away from those ghosts which prowled me. I never get away from those, though I have tried to do everything and only gashing gives little time in safe when hurt gets ghost and everything else away around me for little time. I looked the knife’s beautiful blade and thought of that could be my liberator which would let me go from here, when Phil came into my room._

_His look was so terrified when he saw in which point I was in sitting on my bed. Blood had left red marks into my white sheets. Phil had run to me, took the knife from my hand and asked why I was doing something like this to myself. He had cleaned my wounds and tie ties to cover the marks. And now he is kneeling in front of me and keeps his hand on my face._

_“How can you do so wrong to someone like you? Steve, what is wrong? Tell me, you can tell me,” he says and looks into my eyes._

_I shame myself and in fact that I got caught. I can’t explain this; there isn’t word for this, for this when ghosts of my past are prowling me._

_“I… I don’t know how to let go from past. Those are following me everywhere, I can’t be alone or have peace,” I say and I know that Phil sees anxiety in my eyes._

_“Who are prowling you?”_

_“Ghosts, people who aren’t anymore here and who once meant so much to me. I see every night nightmares of them and I can’t keep going anymore. I would want to get away from them. I want away.”_

_Phil is quiet for moment but silence isn’t oppressive. Even with silence he can somehow comfort me and only his presence makes me feel safe._

**_Phil Coulson PoV_ **

_It’s shocking to see man, who you have always admired in situation like this. If somebody would tell me that I will someday see him alive, I wouldn’t believe that. And if it felt unreal this is that even more. I haven’t ever thought that Captain America would have weaknesses. I thought he always as perfect man but now when I see who he really is, I keep him even more perfect and I want to help him. I want that he feels good that he don’t have to ever again be afraid of those ghosts, that he could live his life in this time too. I do understand that this kind of chance is very big and surely hard to handle but still I want to help him as good as I only can. He is my idol and he will always be my hero._

_“What is I would promise you that I’m trying to help you. I want that you are feeling good. Steve, let me touch you.”_

_My words make little scared reaction in him but still he is smiling._

_“I don’t know if anyone can help me but I would be thankful if you could try. Touch me and make those ghosts go away, please.”_

_I start carefully move my fingers along ties that I just put to his wounds. I would so want to make those wounds and scars disappear from his skin. His body is healing those with best it can but it gives challenge to it when his arms are full of deep wounds gashed by knife. I kiss those little areas which are still healthy._

_“Promise me, that you won’t ever again hurt my hero,” I whisper when I move to his other arm._

_“This man is too beautiful to be hurt. Steve, I didn’t ever think I would ever see you alive. And you can’t understand how happy I was when Nick told me that they had found you. I was first outsider who visited looking you because Nick knew what founding you meant to me. But I thought you almost completely different, you are better than I thought and still you are hurting so much that you want to throw your life away. I ask, I beg, that you won’t do that. You mean too much to me and I have fallen in love with you.”_

_My words make Steve smile. I love his eyes just more when I can keep on looking in them when I’m talking to him. They are friendly and so blue and though fear is part of them, there is still so much more, courage, determination and love._

_“You’re man who saved me. I thought sometime that I don’t need anyone to save me anymore when one dearest person of mine died. I couldn’t have anyone anymore, who would save me, when there wasn’t him anymore.  But without you… I would have probably died. I will be always thankful to you.”_

_Steve kisses me and that feeling is just unbelievable. I wouldn’t have ever believed that I will feel something like this with Captain America and my want to touch and help are just growing. He pulls my black suit jacket away and starts to button open my shirt. I just wait and let my fingers make their way in his abdomen muscles. I pull his white t-shirt away and when my lip’s touches his, I know that this will be best night in my whole life and I wish that he feels the same way._

**Steve’s PoV**

Phil’s death was in fact hard thing to every one of us. I sit for long time after that in my room and thought of things. I wished that, that one night which saved my life had meaning for him too. I just wanted that man who I really loved and for who I would always be thankful for saving me, lived good and happy life. If things would go other way, he could still be alive, if we wouldn’t just fight like that. It was like lapel, which made our team to work like a team. After that we really started to work together and not just alone. After Phil, Thor came quickly around. I shamed myself so much. How I had become person, who jumped from bed to another?

Things with Thor were completely different. I loved him, yes but I was interested in him completely different way than I was in Phil. He was too from other world and it united us much. We could talk about things, which made us nervous or confused. And our relationship wasn’t anything like that one night with Phil. Our relationship developed and moved on slowly. And during all that time, when he was here, we didn’t get farther than kissing and with other hand it was completely okay with me. Our relationship moved on too slowly for time period. When we had stopped Loki, Thor left with him back to Åsgard, but promised me that he would be back, when he would get things back there in order.

Well then after Thor’s leaving Tony came around. I had noticed his looks before and our debated showed much too. Tony is that person, who I loved most from this three, but our relationship has always been that one which has hurt most too. I knew that it will be from that moment when he, for the first time, told about his feelings or more like showed that I wasn’t wrong with my suspicions.

_I walk peacefully back towards me room in Avengers-tower. I have admired many times this tower, though it isn’t so much my style. Here is nice to live with Natasha, Clint, Bruce, Pepper and others and of course we have to all thank Tony and his megalomaniac’s plans that we live in place like this. And luckily this is big enough that anyone doesn’t have to bump each other every day, other ways we would probably all already moved from this building. It isn’t always fun to live middle of Tony’s prescriptive and our demands, Natasha’s and Clint’s relationship problems or then Bruce’s appeals from that, how this all makes him go nuts and he should go much more peacefully place. We have sides, that others don’t like but we try anyways living as peace with others as possible._

_I was just outside in roof terrace. I visit there sometimes. It’s reassuring and beautiful to look lights of big city and luckily Fantastic Four’s team has looked for a while over New York. We have kind of shared work times from SHIELD and now have been Avengers turn to rest. Many of us would prefer whole time action but Fury won’t deal with that. He says that it is great when he can use many different superheroes._

_Today was a hard day. We kept meeting with Fury because our turn to get action and work is starting soon and we didn’t really made up at all with Tony so I wanted to get little clear my head again. And of course I use that terrace just because that I miss and it’s good time to remember._

_I turn around the corner and wait for elevator. Just when elevator has arrived and door open, somebody pushes me in. This somebody presses number of Tony’s room and elevator starts to move. At least 20 floors of trip I think and start to get away from the grip._

_“Hopefully you aren’t too tired of this day because I’m going to need you still.”_

_Person shows to be Tony when he whispers into my ear. I don’t even want to think to what he needs me when he is acting like this. Tony lets me turn and I look at him._

_“Tony what are you doing?”_

_“Well I didn’t really like of that when you subdued me there in front of Fury.”_

_Yes, so I won again our demand and Tony left the room really in a fit of pique._

_“I’m sorry but you just were wrong,” I say and look into his eyes._

_“You think that I’m always wrong. You always win everything, you’re always best in everything and you’re always leading. I want to try that even once,” he says and for my surprise presses me again tightly against elevators wall before kisses me with rage._

_I groan and try for moment to get away but then I surrender to kissing him._

_“Useless to fight against when I do know how much you want this.”_

_Tony starts to pull my shirt away and I’m already scared for a moment, when he pushes me before him into his room and out of the elevator, that he leaves my shirt into elevator but luckily he throws it inside of the room. Tony doesn’t seem to have time for anything pointless but I did know that if this will happen, this won’t be any affectionate relationship before we have got used to each other. He is too passionate to relationship like that. Other ways it doesn’t matter to me. I want him as much he wants me and that speed don’t matter so much if this won’t just be one night stand._

_“Hey Cap, wake up!” Tony demands in middle of kisses._

_He has managed to remove his own shirt, got my trousers open and us towards the bed. I tell my awakening with kicking my trousers away and opening his trousers, which fly away quickly._

_“Where do you always disappear?” Tony asks with falling me to bed._

_“I don’t know. To think of you and that, that I don’t want this… well let it is you would anyways just leave immediately if I would say,” I groan and start to kiss him._

_“What? We’ll let it be then,” he merely, but I know that he will probably ask me later what I was saying._

_Preparing’s don’t really take long. Tony has always been man of action and other ways the basis of rumors I don’t even wonder that he don’t like to use time to anything other but real action not even in bed. Soon I found myself completely ready, or so ready that I can be with this little of time, lying underneath him breathless. He has everything ready and only thing what he does before pushing into me is giving look. I can see from the look that he is drunk; he wants me and has probably wanted quite some time already and maybe it’s my wishful thinking but I want to see little of love in his eyes too._

_I shout when pain move through me but I let he continue. I want this too, want this just like this and though I wouldn’t ever get him more than this, this helps._

_“Tony…,” I groan quietly but I don’t say no to him._

_Little by little I start to enjoy again of this feeling and though I will never say it to anyone, I enjoy of this that exactly Tony gives me this feeling, feeling of that, that I’m complete. Though this would be error of him, it won’t ever be it for me. Secretly I still wish that I can keep him._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I had to die so I could get here; so I could get help people and save once again the world. If I could have chosen I would have died. I would die and get back to Bucky like I have wanted from his death. Of course, there where that little happy part in my life couple years after my wakening, when I got to know Tony and I heard that he was son of Howard. But then it went too far like it always does. I fell in love with him. He felt in love with me. Once Tony started to get it farther than in level of friends who annoyed each other, I thought that it wouldn’t give anything... that he didn’t like I did and that it would be just big mistake. But then it all was true for him too, he wanted me as much I wanted him and he had feelings for me. First I was just stunned of that, that he wanted something else from me than only sex. However, in other ways I was too in love with him and I couldn’t say no when asked me to give my life into his hands. Moreover I trusted in Tony how could I fight beside him other ways? I trust in him still, but things aren’t so good anymore not after that when Pepper started to suspect.

Pepper’s doubts started maybe from the knowledge that Tony spent more time with me. Pepper had stayed almost completely out from Tony’s life somehow it made me surprised too because of those all rumors that said  that Pepper was more than assistant to him. Pepper was always so very nice to me, but I know that she demanded information of our relationship and at some point Tony just didn’t have power to lie anymore. We got ourselves in fights with each other and finally Tony decided that he loved more Pepper than some legend who had awakened from ice.

“Steve?”

“Steve where are you?”

I wake just now to reality and find out what is happening. Thor is lying in top of me fully naked and I think of Tony. Thor has come to earth just because of me and he don’t know about what has happened meanwhile he has been in taking care of his responsibilities at home. He thinks that I love him still and I do, very much but not enough, not in the way that I love Tony.  This is so wrong.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean this… I just… I just can’t do this now. I’m sorry,” I say while getting up. I pull my trousers back and dress up my t-shirt before I walk to the door.

“You will get him back,” Thor whispers when my hand is on door handle and I’m just opening the door. I turn back to look at him. He is still lying naked on the bed and hasn’t even pulled sheets to cover him.

“What? Who?”

“Tony.”

“But… how you?”

“I know everything, what has happened here meanwhile I have been away. I know that you have felt for Iron Man and I know that Miss Potts came between you two. That’s why I came here, Steve. I knew, that you need someone to support you and you’re my friend… and I do still love you,” Thor says with a little smile on his face.

I walk back to bed and I sit on it. Thor pulls finally sheet to cover him. He is god after all. He wouldn’t need to hide himself, but maybe it shows humanity in him. I look into his beautiful blue eyes, but I can’t help myself from missing certain brown eyes.

“I’m sorry and thankful, Thor. I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re still one of my best friends and I care of you so much, but…”

“Iron Man means more to you, I know,” he says and takes my hand squeezing it little with a smile.

“I do understand, Steve. But I will always be here, when you need me, remember that.”

I smile for thanks and I leave again towards the door and this time I do really leave.

***

We get our fights cleared with Tony and Pepper. It needed time, but Tony said that they would still be better friends with Pepper and he said that he couldn’t stop thinking of me.

“Steve come on! We are going to be late!”

This is kind of weird. Usually I’m the one that says that we are in hurry, but at this time Tony really wants to keep on scheduled. We are going to some meeting and though we have tried to hide our relationship from public, now he wants me as his companion. I’m still kind of proud and it doesn’t bother me that hottest man of this world is mine in public too.

Of course Tony has his bad sides, but those are easily lost within his good sides. Tony is very busy usually, but when he has free time, he owns it to me. I’m busy too so I can’t really hold that against him, but we have enough of time to keep our relationship in balance. Other bad sides in him are his prescriptive and then his quick-tempered character. I can’t ever know what is happening next with him. His worst side is his alcoholism. He doesn’t deal with it in the best fashion and often I find him drunken. Luckily he has reduced his drinking from my request.

“Steve! If you don’t come now…!”

“Yeah honey, I’m coming!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

When person lives within moment, he can feel elated and happy. It can feel like everything in world is perfect, but it just small moment loneliness can take over making him feel small. I have felt like that many times during this civil war.

I have everything that I need, a person that I love and who loves me too, friends, with whom I can spend time and who support me. When it feels hopeless to survive from this war, I have amazing allies, in whose side I can fight proudly and I have target for which I can give my life, I want world to be free, like that it should have always been.

But at the same time I don’t have anything. I don’t have you, I fight against you. In one story happened once like that, that has happened to us. There were two powerful soldiers who found each other and put their forces together and they were ready to do everything for each other. They made much of good in the world until their ways departed, they had arguments and they noticed their targets were completely different. They broke off their relationship and their feelings for each other and continued both their own ways. They had to forget each other given they were blood enemies after all, but they couldn’t because they had special bond between them. The bond that would keep them together always at least in some level.

I didn’t ever tell you that story, you weren’t ever interested in them. It has anyways been my favorite for some time already, from that moment that it happened to us.

I wake from my thoughts when I feel hands in my shoulders and feel warm body pressing towards mine.

“Steve?” Johnny whispers quietly into my ear and keeps me close.

He has grown so much during this war. He has always been very quick-tempered and made what he wants. When he came into my team with his sister he reminded so much that teenager that I had used to know him but now he has grown. This war has taught him more than every war before. He has had to learn to me more patient, he has had to learn to listen orders and do what he is told to do and he has to learn to be big brother for his sister. It has been more than hard part for Susan to fight against Reed and I don’t wonder why- Of course it is as hard to them that it is to for me and Tony. Still I have always admired Johnny, he reminds me of person that I lost so long ago. He reminds me of Bucky.

”Johnny, shouldn’t you sleep already?” I ask and turn to face his blue eyes.

“I’m cold without you,” Johnny says and I pull him back close to me.

He sits to my lap and we stay both watching out of window the light of the city-

“Steve?”

”Hmmm?”

”What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing…”

”Don’t say ‘nothing’ to me when you know that I can see when everything isn’t right. I know you.”

I sigh and let go of his body, which I still squeeze towards me.

“I think all of this, you, us, war, that how it has changed us…”

“Everything changes sometimes. You know that…”

”Yeah one thing still remins is fight of freedom.”

”We will get that freedom. We will win the war. Together,” Johnny says and turns to look at me with those lovely blue eyes of his from which shines now determination.

“I hope so.”

”Steve.”

”Johnny…”

And we don’t need other words when he presses his lips to mine.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

He didn’t ever know anything about me. My mother never told him that they had daughter. But I knew him, I read every word that I never saw about him.

I watched from TV when he was taken out of car and moved up stairs of courthouse and to those stairs his life ended too. I saw, how great Tony Stark ran to him and in that big chaos cameras break before their last kiss had time to get into TV, but I knew it happened. I don’t know how crazy it hears like, but part of my dad ended into me at that day, when I was born. I could feel same things he did. Before it wasn’t so strong still since that moment it has been. For that small moment I was my father, that small moment, when Tony Stark kissed him for the last time. My father lives in me. In me lives Captain America, Captain Steve Rogers.

His funerals were very beautiful. Tony had really invest in them and he organized everything in there in way of 40-century manner. Guest was invited just those closest, only those who really mean much to dad. There were Nina Cater, daughter of Peggy Carter, my mother and me, Bruce Banner, Clint and Natasha Barton and their son Nick Barton, Thor, Pepper Potts and couple agents from SHIELD. I do understand, how much Tony loved my dad and how much he admired him, but I can’t still forgive him fully.

Captain America’s death ended the civil war of superheroes. They all understood that it was in vain to fight when they lost their first superhero.

***

I follow once again with tunnel and think where I am. I end up to some strange beach, and I don’t know why, but it feels like that I have been here earlier.

I hear familiar laugh behind me and I turn to look from who the laugh comes. I see my mother and father walking towards me hand in hand. They are young or at least they look like that.

“Dad?”

“Hey Steve. Look at you, you have grown,” dad says and hugs me.

“Well yeah that is long story..”

“We have heard, Captain America. We are so proud of you and everything that you have done,” mum smiles happily.

“How can you have heard of that?” I ask.

“Come, we will show you,” mum says and take my hand.

She and dad lead me into forest. We walk there for a while, until we get to square, and there in middle of square is big castle. When we get closer to the castle on it’s terrace show up people, who I have missed for so long, Coulson, Peggy, Howard, Johnny and many others.

I greet all of them one by one and they move and behind them revealed that person, who I have missed most. He wears his army uniform and hi has his hair well like always and smile on his face.

”Bucky…,” I sigh and don’t believe my eyes.

He walks to me smiling and put his hands around me.

”Hi,” he says and his smile just gets bigger.

“Hey…”


End file.
